Waiting
by Sarahmus25
Summary: As Harvey waits for the mock trial to start his mind is filled with the only woman he has ever cared for. A Harvey one shot set before / during 7.10


**This is my first fan fiction and I wanted to post it before 7.10 aired BUT I had to wait 12 hours before I was allowed to publish! Thank you for sharing your stories and giving me the courage to share mine xxx**

He stood looking out at the city beyond the window. It was a view that was technically no longer his, but one that would always feel like theirs to him. The office décor may have changed; his records may have gone, the picture of his mother and him replaced by photos of Rachel, but this corner office would always feel more like his home than anywhere else. His new office would always be Jessica's in the same way that the desk just beyond the glass wall would always be hers

Donna's

He sighed at the thought of her. This was their sanctuary. This had been their space. They had fought and shared and cared and hurt each other in this room. These walls were saturated with them both. And that was why he was here. Another mock trial was about to start and the only place he had known where to collect his thoughts had been looking out at the city from this exact spot. The last mock trial had ripped the two of them apart. Questions of love; questions that neither of them had wanted to consider the answers too had changed everything. They had never quite recovered since then. Like the first time, this trial came down to a question of whether he had buried evidence. Harvey knew that like then, Donnas testimony would end up being about buried feelings rather than buried papers. The same old question that for over a decade they had danced around. This time would be worse. This time Louis knew that they had slept together. This time there was more ammunition in his arsenal.

Harvey stretched his right hand out into the empty space next to him. It was not so long ago that when he had, she had been there to take his hand in hers. He imagined the feeling of her skin on his, as their fingers had slowly entwined. He closed his eyes trying to recall how he had felt the warmth of her body next to him, at how the scent of her had filled his nose. She smelt like comfort and family. His family. His home. He had breathed deeply that night, filling his lungs full of her. She had filled the void inside of him that losing Jessica had caused. He had wanted to kiss her then; he had wanted to kiss her like he had done every night that they had spent alone in this office. He had waited patiently for the sign that she had wanted him to that night, but she never gave it. Instead she had slipped her hand from his, turned away from him and walked out of the office without even saying a word. She had ripped his heart out and taken it with her when she left. He had dreamt of her every night since then.

He flexed his hand and then moved it back from the place where she had held it; back from the memories and the feelings that that night had caused. He put his hands in his trouser pockets and then turned away from the window, resting his bum against the window sill and taking in their old office. The clock on the wall ticked slowly towards the start of the trial. It's second hand was like his heartbeat; slow, steady and deliberate. He couldn't stop it even if he wanted too. He couldn't stop the trial in the same way he couldn't stop his heart saying her name with every pump of blood around his body.

Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna.

Another 15 minutes. That was all that was left. Then a sharp knife would be placed against the old scars that they both carried and would start to tear into the flesh. It would cut deeper this time. It would open old wounds and at the same time create new ones. It would cut through tissue and muscles and bone until it punctured his soul. It would destroy everything. Or maybe it would only destroy him? He knew how this would play out. He already knew what everyone thought. He saw it already in the eyes of Louis and Rachel and even Mike. They all blamed him. They all thought that it had been him that had kept her at arms length. That he had kept on dangling the dream of them on a string; playing with her affections so that she would stay with him rather than living her own life. But they were wrong. It had been her rule that had kept them apart. All those years ago she had set the ground rules that had become the foundation of everything that had happened since.

' I don't get involved with men that I work with'

10 words that had defined their relationship. And she had been right at first. They had been better because they hadn't complicated everything with sex. Not that he hadn't wanted to, the sex had been great after all. But he had waited through everything with her, waiting for a time when she would be willing to put her rule to one side for them. Maybe he should have forced the issue. Perhaps after she broke the rule with Stephen Huntley he should have demanded that she do the same for them. But he hadn't. He had wanted her to want him. It had to be on her terms.

He thought back to all the times in this office that he had tried to ask her, try to gauge if she was willing to be more than just colleagues and friends. He remembered a heated debate where she had accused him of fighting for everything that happened in the firm but nothing that happened in his heart. It had been about Scottie but he had thought that secretly it was also about them. When he had asked her she had adamantly denied it and he had started to question whether his desires were actually reciprocated by her. After that he had tried to bottle all of his feelings up. But then liberty rail had happened and all of those deep secret and feelings had tumbled out of him like an avalanche. He had no choice but to protect her. She was the most precious thing in his world and he would keep her safe no matter what the cost. He would have given himself for her safety.

He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath as he did so. That was the night when he had had the chance to finally claim her for himself. He had even said the god damn words. He had told her that he loved her and then he had run away. That was his only regret. That and not owning it the following day when she had asked him how he had loved her. She had presumed that he had pitied her. She couldn't have been further from the truth. Yet again he had thought that he had given her the chance to admit how she felt. When he asked her if she wanted it all, all she had needed to say was one simple word. Yes. But she hadn't said it. She had said that she didn't know and once again she had left him staring after her as she walked away.

He released a breath that he hadn't even realised that he was holding. Reliving that day led to reliving that night when she had told him she was leaving him. She had walked down the hall and into Louis's office. Reliving that night made him relive the weeks that followed it. The panic attacks. It was a weakness. She was his weakness.

He looked back up at the clock. Ten minutes left…..

When Mike had been accused of fraud, she had come back to him but everything had been irrevocably altered. He had turned to another woman in her absence and he had realised that he could continue to live without her by his side. He didn't want to live that way but he had finally learnt that he could. If she was to leave then he would be broken by it but not defeated. He would survive without her. It was a realisation that put a whole new perspective on their relationship. She had made him the man he was. She had guided him through every hard choice, every crossroads and every emotional milestone. She had been the reason that he had gone to his fathers funeral. She was the reason that he had picked Mike as his associate. She was the reason that he had buried the hatchet with Louis, had come to terms with Mike going to prison and had been ok with Jessica leaving the firm. But most of all she was the reason he had finally made peace with his mother. She had forced him to face those daemons. It was only because of his love for her that he had opened his heart to all of those other things. He was a better man, a more balanced and emotionally open man because of her.

BUT he could survive without her. That is a liberating and terrifying thought all mixed into one. He had also realised that he wanted more out of life. Using the word more made him smile a sad smile. That was her word. She had wanted more and so had he. He didn't just want work. He needed a life beyond these glass walls. He wasn't getting any younger and he hated to admit that the thought of bedding beautiful vapid women no longer interested him. He wanted substance. He wanted a relationship. He wanted everything with the beautiful, smart, sexy redhead that already knew him better than anyone else. But her couldn't have her because her 'more' was about work and not about him. So he had replaced her with the same woman he had replaced her with last time. Paula was a good fit. She ticked all the boxes and he genuinely believed that they had a chance of being happy with each other. If only he could stop his heart beating Donnas name. If only he could stop the dreams and the thoughts and the feelings. He couldn't cut her out of his life and he couldn't move on from her no matter how much he pretended that he could.

Why couldn't she just break her rule and release him from this purgatory? Why couldn't they have it all?

'Harvey'

He looked up at the sound of her voice. He had sensed her before she had even opened her mouth to speak. He knew the sound of her louboutins on the soft carpet outside the office. He had smelt her perfume as she had entered the room. And he could even imagine the look on her face before he had turned his gaze to her.

He tried to smile but it felt false on his lips

'Yes Donna?'

'It's time.'

She turned to leave, not requiring a response. She didn't need a response in the same way she hadn't needed to ask why he was loitering in Mikes office rather than his own. She always just knew. She knew everything except for the one thing that he so desperately needed her to know . When it came to his heart she was blind.

'Donna?'

The word was out of his mouth before he had even realised it. Her name rolled off of his tongue so easily. It sounded like silk against his lips.

' yes Harvey?'

She looked over her shoulder her head slightly cocked to one side. When she saw the look on his face she turned back towards him, reentering the room and bridging the gap between them. She stood less than a foot from him. They stood just staring at each other. He was searching her eyes for any sort of sign from her that she wanted this too. He was about to turn back towards the window, admitting defeat, when she leant out and took his hand in hers. The bolt of electricity travelled up his arm and into his chest.

' Harvey are you ok? You're scaring me!'

He smiled at her now. The smile that he had kept only for her. The smile of a man in love. He place his other hand on top of hers and held it tightly. He stepped forward so that he was looking down at her. When she turned her face towards him there was mere centimetres between their noses. He let his hand slip round her back pulling her to him.

' I've never felt better. But before we go and face whatever Louis had to throw at you I think there is something I need to say to you first. I think it's time for me to tell you how I feel…..'


End file.
